Q: How many children are affected by parental abduction each year?
A: Complete figures for all international parental child abductions are not known.
Here are some figures from a number of European countries (and the USA):

FIGURES FOR NORWAY

1995: 20 children abducted to other lands
2002: 32 children abducted to other lands
(In January of 2003, 59 cases were listed as "unresolved," the majority cases that involve countries that have not ratified (accepted as binding) the Hague Convention). Norway has a high success rate when countries involved have ratified the Hague Convention. Per Justice Department figures, the rate is approximately 90%.

BELGIUM

The Belgian Ministry of Justice reported that:
in 1998: 221 children were abducted from Belgium to another country
in 1999: this rose to 336
in 2000: it reached 562

FRANCE

The French Ministry of Justice reported that:
in 1998: there were 430 cases of international child abduction (2 children per case on average) to Hague and non-Hague Convention countries
in 1999: this became 467 cases
in 2000: it reached 501
and in the first 6 months of 2001: there were already 502 cases reported; that is more than in the whole of the previous year

UNITED KINGDOM

in 1996/7: 381 cases were reported
in 1997/8: this rose to 490
in 1998/9: 520
in 1999/2000: 577
in 2000/01: 546

UNITED STATES

354,000 children are abducted by a family member, although a large majority of cases are resolved in a relatively short period of time. There are no exact figures for international child abduction. Estimates vary between 1,000 — 10,000 children per year. The Bureau of Consular Affairs at the US State Department has worked on more than 8,000 cases since the early 1980s.

Q: How many children are affected by separation and divorce each year?
A: IN EUROPE ALONE THE NUMBERS ARE IN THE MILLIONS, ACCORDING TO EUROPEAN UNION STATISTICS.


HERE ARE FIGURES FOR SELECTED COUNTRIES:

NORWAY

According to Statistics Norway (SSB), the number of Norwegian children involved in divorces has risen between 1971-2002, from approximately 7 thousand per year in the early 1970, to over 10 thousand in 2002.


UNITED KINGDOM
According to Statistics UK, a total of 146,914 children aged under 16 were in families where the parents divorced in 2001.


USA

According to Divorce Magazine, 1 million children are affected by new divorces each year (stats since 1997). Approximately 20 million children under 18 live in single-parent homes.

Q: How can I best reconnect with my child? We have lost touch, and I would like to reconnect.
A: Keep it simple. The pressure on both of you to instantly bond can be intense and traumatic. Your child was missing in your life, but his or her life went forward, and his or her experiences and relationships are precious to your child. It is important for children to know that you want to share love and support, but are not out to change them or their feelings for their other parent. Focus on good times and fun. Build positive experiences together. Keep it light. Don´t burden your child with the details of thr divorce or abduction, or how you were wronged. this can be overwhelming for a child.
You don´t need your child to understand everything, or take sides. Focus on building love and joy together, and provide the priceless gift of unconditional acceptance of your child.

Your child cannot and should take upon himself or herself the responsibility for making up for your pain.

If your child´s name, religion or culture has changed, respect these and accept them as real, because they are very real, and may be important to your child and a part of his or her life. Learn about the culture, learn the language your child is most fluent in, and remember not to condemn an entire culture because of your pain.

Our heroes are the parents who maintain dignity through the challenges they face in divorce and the custody arena. Keep in mind that it is impossible to come to perfectly "fair" custody agreements at all times. The children cannot be cut in two, and both sides must compromise and sacrifice in order to make things easier for their children.

Here are some of our heroes....


--the Belgian dad who learned Swedish so that he could speak with his children, abducted to Sweden by their mother. His motto, "Two parents, Two countries, two cultures."
He writes:

...Most left-behind parents talk about getting back “my” children, punishing the other parent; they have the same paradigm as the abducting parent: the other parent is an enemy, he does not deserve to be a parent anymore; the child is an object Thanks to you and (very) few other people, I learned there was another way,
another paradigm: to see things through the
children’s point of view: they love both parents, they want to have both parents.
And it helped me a lot: no need to waste my
energy with dreams of revenge against the mother; I saved that energy to build
patience and numerous ways to rebuild the former link with my children.


--And the Swedish mom whose son was abducted to Turkey by his dad. Her son eventually came back to Sweden. She learned Turkish, cooks Turkish food, visits Turkey regularly, and never spent time denigrating Turkey.

--And the divorced mom who accepts her kids needing to occasionally change visitation plans.

--And the divorced dad who never talks badly about his ex-wife, or pumps his kids for information.
_______________


It takes time to create or recreate bonds that have been weakened. Your child may feel overwhelmed or threatened by your need for closeness.
He or she may feel that your motive is to weaken his or her bond with the other parent, convince him or her to live with you and leave the other parent (very threatening to many children), or to fill an emptiness in your life that the child cannot or does not feel able or ready to fill.
It is important that you have support and love in your life, and that you are able to laugh and be light-hearted with your child. Fill whatever time you actually do have together with joyful and bonding experiences, rather than with guilt, anger at your ex, or with pressure to connect. Give things time.
The love and support you offer your child, with no strings attached, is a gift that will ultimately bear fruit and will remain in your child´s heart and soul forever.

Q: Is parental abduction ever justified?
A: Parental abduction can have life-long ramifications on the child and the entire family.
It can be difficult to build a positive relationship with an ex partner, and abduction may seem to be a way out for many parents who feel victimized, or feel their relationship with their children is threatened. It may also provide a way out of a desperate situation that is beyond legal or therapeutic crisis intervention.
A child has two parents, and nothing can change that. It is best to work things out, however imperfectly, than to abduct your child.
Some children get abducted and reabducted by BOTH parents multiple times because both are convinced that they must "save" the children from the other.
It is too easy to justify parental abduction. But yet, every family, every parent, has their own unique set of circumstances that make it impossible to answer this question with a simple yes or no.
No matter how justified or unjustified, abduction has lifelong negative ramifications on children.

Q: Should a child decide who they want to live with, and how often, if ever, they visit with their non-custodial parent?
What about joint custody? What does The Kids Link feel about joint custody arrangements?
A: It depends. Placing on a child the entire burden of choosing between parents can be emotionally devastating in the long-run. A sense of guilt and regret can follow a child throughout adulthood. This can be traumatic and emotionally damaging.

Children are not expected to make impportant decisions with life-long ramifications on their own, or determine whether or not to attend school. They are not expected to provide for themselves financially or attend the military. It may then be argued that the burden of making one of the most important decisions of their lives should not be placed entirely on their shoulders. In any event, they need help and guidance.

They can and should be given a voice in making important decisions, along with guidance and support from competent adults, to help them to explore their options and feelings and make informed and wise decisions. This guidance is crucial in the area of custody determinations.

Children do best with both parents in their lives. Of foremost importance is to get to the roots of the child´s concerns and fears and assist children in working through them. It is important to separate issues that are caused by physical or emotional distance, lack of communication, loyalty conflicts or fear of displeasing one parent, vs. issues that warrant the removal of a parent from a child´s life.

Comprehensive, flexible strategies for helping all members of the family to come to a comfortable, healthy, long-term plan,
can assist all involved through a healing process of working through things in a way that is truly beneficial for the child.

JOINT CUSTODY
A child should not be forced to agree to a joint custody agreement that means he or she must move from one parent to the other constantly. This can cause undue suffering and upheaval for the child. Joint custody may be a wonderful tool, but parents must safeguard against having their own needs and desires met at the expense of their children.

Legal joint custody agreements that provide both parents with decision-making rights are positive, but parents must be flexible and mature enough to compromise so that the child is not caught in the middle of never-ending disagreements between parents who are using custody issues as the battlefield of a broken marriage.

Q: My mother and father insist that I choose sides. Both want me to come to them for the holidays, and I feel torn.
How do I deal with this?

A: You are entitled to have BOTH parents in your life, and to decide when, where, and how often to include them in your life.

Check our bulletin board for a discussion thread on this topic. It is a biggie for many kids. There are as many opinions as there are members, so listen, learn and share your ideas and feelings!

Some advice that can ease things for you:

Do not allow them to use you as a messenger. Let them know that you will NOT relay messages of any kind between them.

Reassure them that you love each of them, but cannot be responsible for their feelings. You don't have to take care of your parents. If they feel threatened by your relationship with your other parent, that is something they need to deal with on their own!
You have two parents, you are entitled to nurture a relationship with both of them. It is unfair for your parents to put you in the middle.

Q: I gained custody of my children, or found my children after an abduction, what do I do to help them adjust to the changes in their lives?
A: First of all, allow your children the time and space they need to mourn their losses. If at all possible, allow them to nurture their relationship with their other parent. This is a wonderful gift you can give your children.

If your children have grown up with a different name, culture, or religion, allow them to identify with these things as much as they want and need to. Do not take this away from them.

Your children probably feel helpless and out of control. Do not force yourself on your children. Let your children know that you respect their choices, and let them incorporate new ideas and things IF and WHEN they want to, and at their own pace.

Do not celebrate the day you won custody of your children. While you may feel "victorious," your children are likely to feel some sadness and pain, if only because the date represents the loss of an intact family for them.

Nurture relationships and interests outside of your children. It can feel overwhelming for your children to feel that your entire focus is on them. They need time and space for themselves and their own processes.