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April 1, 1998, Oslo, Norway A Parent Reflects.... A mother of an abducted child, Tone Finkelstein shares her thoughts and experiences It is almost impossible to find words to describe how it felt to lose a child, not knowing anything about her well-being or where she was. When my husband took Cecilie at age four, it was constant worry and torture mixed with hope that her father soon would let me get in contact with her. Days, nights, weeks, months and years went by, and I received not more than four cards. In three of them was a small little picture and a few words that told me very little. I gave those pictures and envelopes to the detectives in the hope that they could trace the address, but they were not successful. I did everything in order to find her, and when she was six, I did find her in New York. It came to a court case. The result of this hearing was that I was granted the right to see my daughter two times each week until the school year was finished. Then I was to take her for a summer visit to Norway, and bring her back to New York in the fall for a final custody trial. But one day, when I came to pick her up for a visit, she was gone again. her father had taken her and left. No one knew where they had gone. When I finally got in contact with her again she was a young, independent woman of 18. I had the great pleasure to meet the most wonderful young daughter a mother can dream of. It is now my hope that I can do something good for her in the years to come. It was not easy for either of us at first. But we worked hard at it, and our relationship is now a warm and open one. It is heaven for me to finally have the opportunity to speak with her. I love her just the way she is! She is fighting for what she believes in, and in doing that she makes the world a better place to live in. I wish there were many of her kind around. It is hard for me to think about what she went through all these years. She has lacked the stability that every child is entitled to benefit from, but she came out of all these difficult years with dignity and strength. My precious daughter; I respect and love you very, very much! You are wonderful! I am very lucky and thankful to be your mom, Tone Finkelstein PS-To the parents who have experienced this terrible torture: We must appeal to the national and international community to take these cases much more seriously. Otherwise, there will be an increasing number of children around the world not getting their born right to have contact and care from both parents. Religious groups and leaders play a very important role in hiding kidnapped children. A strong appeal from all the parents who have experienced this torture must be given to these leaders as well as to the women in these groups who for the most part are the caretakers of these kidnapped children. The religious groups often put themselves over the law in so many societies all over the world. The time is more than mature to give a strong appeal to their leaders from a large group of parents. Legislators and judges should put other cases aside when a child's right is at stake. The time factor is a crucial one, their priority should always be the children. The legislators should also see if the written laws in these cases need to be changed, both on a national and international level. Sincerely, Tone  Lori Meier:From Loss to Love I was an abducted child for ten years. My brother and I lived with our dad under a false name and with him as a fugitive, on the run, though we hid in one place the entire time. Those years of paranoia and fear altered my life and those around me forever. Family abduction is a travesty in which everyone loses. A ten-year-old child or any child does not deserve to lose everything they know. I lost my mom, but also my childhood. For ten years I lost my mother tucking me in and kissing me goodnight. I lost my identity, the world that I knew. I lost the reassuring smell of my mother’s hand lotion as she held me in her arms. I lost my mom applauding and praising me during ballet lessons. I lost her being there to help me purchase my first bra and makeup. She wasn’t there to see me in my senior prom dress and tell me when I should be home. I lost four loving grandparents, cousins and years of sharing Christmases together and countless treasured moments. I lost my Southern roots and my family heritage. Most of all, I lost the innocence and wonder of childhood, living instead a life of mistrust, fear and paranoia. Abducted children are forced to learn much they should not have to experience. I learned to live a lie and to live in fear of telling the truth. I learned a new name and to sign it without slipping up-EVER. I learned to avoid questions about my mother. I learned how to take care of my brother and myself while my dad desperately looked for work. I learned not to trust anyone and to be constantly on guard. I lived in fear that someone was following us who might take my dad away. I learned not to see how wrong it was that my father took me away from my mother. As an abducted child I learned much that I shouldn’t have had to learn. I lived my life not knowing if I would ever see my mother again. By day my brother and I pretended we were a normal family. By night we shared our tears wondering if we’d ever see mom again, and wondering what we would do if dad died. We thought of mom all the time. What was she like? Did she ever marry? What would our lives be like if we had been with her? Would she want us back? Every abducted child suffers deep emotional wounds that take years to heal. Years are required to sort through the emotional scars that result from being ripped from your mom or dad to live in hiding. And then more pain and more memories come back when you have your own children. Being abducted as a child affects you for the rest of your life. Bringing missing children home is the primary goal, and where the concentration of work must continue. Of course preventative efforts must be made as well. Changes must be made in our court system, and counselors, attorneys, mediators and parents must put the children first in all matters. We must begin identifying early warning signs of high-risk cases and educate the many players involved leading up to the eventual abduction. With so much at stake, let’s look closely at what we are doing as a society and as individuals that create 350,00 parental abduction cases every year in this country. I challenge all of us to turn part of our attention to asking ourselves: what can we who are closest to this dreadful plight on our families, do to reduce the rampant occurrence of parental abductions in this country? Many abducted children will grow up to be parents like myself. I’m now a mother striving every day to protect the wonderment of childhood in my own children by living every action with love and compassion. Children are innocent and fragile and are easily dented and damaged for life. They are the precious bearers of love and joy who speak the real truth for us all. I would like to share a letter I wrote to my dad [Lori’s father, Lee Coburn, is the author of Runaway Father, and an advocate against family abduction] just before gave a keynote address for a missing children’s organization’s fund raising event: Dear Dad, While visiting with Janelle about which Try-it she wanted to work on for Girl Scouts, I encountered the true essence of being a child. Here it is... We sat on her bed, looking through the Brownie handbook. Janelle stopped on the hobby page, so I read the "getting started" paragraph. "Before starting any hobby ask yourself these questions. Then, talk about starting a hobby with your family. Is this hobby fun? Is it too expensive? Do I have enough room in my home to do this hobby? Is this hobby safe? Will it hurt the environment? Do I have enough time for this hobby?" Janelle did not have a hobby, so I was curious as to what she would pick. At that moment the world stopped. Sitting together on her canopy bed, she looked up at me with big brown eyes and spoke one sentence. Her voice resonated from the heart as she said, "Mommy, I already have a hobby. It is LOVE." We went back through the questions. I read them through my tears. She was so right. I wondered what our world would be like if more people chose love as a hobby. Children are born loving. They deserve love. They are not little chess pieces we can move around in the game of life. It is no game. We are all connected by the circle of life. We can create that circle around love and generations will follow. It starts with this moment, with the conviction to love. Lori Ms. Meier works as a child advocate with missing children’s organizations and with families in areas of reunification and prevention. She believes that every child has a right to be loved by both parents, regardless of circumstances. Committed as an advocate against any instance of parental abduction except where children’s lives are in great jeopardy, she is available to work with missing children’s organizations and for speaking as a child advocate wherever she can make a difference for children. She has spoken at missing children’s conferences, been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, C-NBC and many othersThe Link is written by and for people who have experienced family abduction as children, and our families. By sharing our stories, problems and solutions, we can help ourselves and others overcome the obstacles that family abductions can create. We hope that Abduction is not Love Kelly J. Niles, MPA There are many ways to show our children that we love them. As a parent myself, I struggle with the daily decisions that parents face in raising their children from the mundane to major development issues. We don’t show our children that we love them by alienating them from a parent. Alienation in any form is abuse, whether it be through verbal means, abduction or both. As parents, we model good problem solving skills by using the systems in place to address family or custodial issues, and also by being what we are, adults. Douglas Darnell, Ph.D, author of Symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome, writes that parental alienation occurs "when parents physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety." This practice reinforces in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation. Parental alienation is similar to the Stockholm Syndrome, which occurs when hostages begin to identify with their captors. In the case of an abducted child, the identification will be even stronger because of the age of the child and their relationship with the parent. For fear of losing the abducting parent as well, the child will not only want to please their abductor but will also readily believe allegations that they have been abandoned by the parent who is left behind (Violaine Delahais, P.A.R.E.N.T). Abduction is not love. Taking a child from home by way of what is now termed parental abduction, is one of the worst forms of abuse a parent can inflict upon a child. Because of the long-lasting effects on the children who have been abducted, it has been characterized as a severe form of child abuse and is now a federal offense. Many children of abduction experience severe conditions while away from the victim parent and sometimes for their whole lives following their return. If they are returned. These symptoms include: Inability to trust, establish relationships Developmental delays Confusion about the event Suicide attempts Difficulty adjusting upon return Fright Long-term grief or rage Bed-wetting Thumb-sucking Regression Anxiety Depression Withdrawal Sleep disturbances Often when a family has experienced an abduction it is tucked away for decades and sometimes for whole lifetimes, affecting every aspect of the family dynamic. The child victims of the abduction are often to eager to let it lie as well. They were, after all, taught not to trust anyone and to keep secrets. It is our responsibility not just as parents but as guardians of all children to expose this dirty little secret for what it is, a crime, and a severe form of child abuse. Most importantly, the adult survivors of this crime need to come forward and voice not only their views but also their experiences in order that we may learn from them. Kelly Niles, a former parentally abducted child, is writing a book about her experience called The Long Weekend: A Daughter's Story. Conversations With My 15 year old Son Dawn Dibenedetto is the mother of two sons abducted to Saudi Arabia and co-editor of The Link. Tarik was 9 years old when abducted to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia December 18th, 1994. He is now 15. By the grace of God, we communicate, by subterfuge. This began about 3 years ago through 100’s of persistent calls and hang-ups. My mother finally got through. Tarik succeeded in his first collect call. Now he has taught his brother. The calls are intermittent and at odd hours from the most unusual places, a bathroom… a locked bedroom in the middle of the night… a relative. I live for those calls. In January 2001, I asked Tarik if he would mind if I asked him questions, kind of an interview format for publication in The Link. I explained to him what the newsletter was about and he said that I might not like his answers. I told him that all I ask is that he tries to be true to self… and the rest would fall into place. Our next conversation occurred February 24, 2001. I read to Tarik what Cecilie had written to me: "It sounds like Tarik will answer as I would have at his age—that while I recognized that my father did what he did under deceitful circumstances, I was happy with my life and with the fact that if he hadn’t abducted me, I wouldn’t know what the true faith was, wouldn’t know God. I felt bad for my mother but was afraid that my faith would be threatened. Maybe ask Tarik if what I say is something he relates to." Tarik: "Yes." Mom: "What would be the best case scenario for the future for you as relationships with your father and me." Tarik: "For you to get back together. But I know this is impossible. So the next best thing is for both of you not to hate each other. Or if you can’t do that… not to talk about each other, at all. "Even if you do it in another language, I could tell. I could tell just be looking in my father’s eyes. At first maybe for over a year, he never said anything. And then he’d say just bad things. He would think I didn’t understand when he talked to others. But I understood everything. I could have gotten my father into a lot of trouble but I didn’t want to." Mom: "But he’s your father. If you hurt him, you hurt yourself. Is that how you feel? Tarik: "Yes. But it’s different now. I am not a small boy. He can’t hit me like he use to. I have a temper like him." Tarik recalls a recent family dispute over pancakes that escalated into a battle… Mom: "Ideally where would you want us to live?" Tarik: "Saudi Arabia. You both should live in Saudi Arabia but not for a long time. Maybe 2 to 5 or 6 years. That’s all. Mom you think that it is like jail over here. That we are in jail. But it’s not like that. My father has written a book that has been published. Everyone is saying it’s very good. It’s on ‘Parenting’. I think he says a lot of good stuff, but doesn’t do it." Tarik’s cardinal rule numero uno comes to mind--not to talk about each other, at all. I swallow my editorial and am silent. Um Tarik wa Ryan Mother of Tarik & Ryan (and Noelle too) Seeds ‘Left behind’ parents do many things on a thread of hope, like a seed thrown to the wind. It is with that faith that we must continue to plant those seeds. You do it with doubts that plague you…it won’t get to my child..this is useless…it’s a waste of time. But, let’s discuss some ‘seeds’ that have borne fruit. 1-A son taken to Saudi Arabia recently communicated with his mother. He asked if she had sent him a book bag years ago. The mother said yes, and it had your name embroidered on it. Having mastered the puzzle, he told her that his father had told him it was from his stepmother’s family…but he inwardly questioned it. The miracle was not that he got the bag…but it’s route and the tales surrounding it! The seed took over 3 years to germinate. J 2-The abducted child recognizes her picture on a milk carton. It started a silent search process from within…and she reunited with her mom 6 years later. J 3-The tape sent by the distraught ‘left-behind’ mother that had been discovered by the child years later…and listened to by the child. That seed fueled the discovery of another parent. J So parents, don’t let the downside of abduction suck out your ability to plant. We must throw seed out in every way we can. Whenever possible, cultivate them with positive communication to family members (even the abductor’s family), agencies and law enforcement. Memorialize (and keep a scrapbook of) memories to reflect upon…but MOST IMPORTANT…don’t ever give up hope. | Return Home | For Parents | The Kids Link-history | THE LINK Newsletter | A Therapist´s Tale | Great Links | Advice for parents & kids | A Custody Battle: Blogged | |
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